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Her Grace the Queene Reflecteth on
the many pleasant ways of killing a rat.
When the Earl of Castor, after courteous exchanges of farewell, bowed politely and took leave of Her Majesty, she turned on to Buttons of Soriana and General Mittens eyes lit with an enchanted light. But their luminosity faltered a little when she saw the solemn expressions worn by the twain.
‘Now we may speak a little more openly with you, Ma’am,’ said Buttons. The Queen looked surprised. ‘General,’ continued Buttons, ‘thou canst at last discharge to our Queen that news that hath threatened to bust thee asunder.’
Her Majesty turned questioning to General Mittens. ‘Ma’am,’ quoth he, ‘you mayhaps never heard tale of passages beneath the rat city. ‘Tis told there be a labyrinth of caves and underground channels that extend far and wide, as far indeed as Kitania and under the mountains of your realm. These are old stories.’
The Queen laughed. ‘General, If I be not mistaken, these stories be current still in every nursery room, and every nurse hath some variant she caneth attest to when she wanteth her wee charges to behave. I myself recall, whenas a kitten, being so frightened by these tales told me by my old nurse, I was certain there was an hole beneath my bed from which loathsome rats would crawl and carry me off to be drowned!’
‘Assuredly the stories much enlarge and embroider the truth, Ma’am,’ quod Buttons. ‘Yet, even the tallest tale must needs have some base of fact to stand upon.’
‘And this be not so fancy a tale,’ argued the General. ‘The key to the labyrinth is held by the King Rat alone, who may use it in time of desperate need, as now.’
‘At the General’s urgings, Madam, we have searched assiduously and have discovered how the rats have evaded our blockade.’
‘This be sore news indeed to mine ear,’ said the crestfallen Queen. ‘Evaded our blockade?’
‘Yea, by virtue of a tunnel,’ said Buttons, ‘opening most distant from here. It riseth up inside a beaver house, abandoned and ruined, even within your own realm be it, my Queen.’
Her Majesty was stunned.
‘ ‘Tis true, mine own spies answer to it, Majesty,’ said old General Mittens. ‘Abandoned as it might appear, they say it be an hive of comings and goings of both rats and beavers. And all the goods going in don’t come out again.’
‘And how, General, surmisest thou that a tunnel so distant connects to here?’
The General made no answer, but only returned the Queen a steady gaze, as asking her to add two and two for herself. Having paused for her to do so, he said, ‘Those oily bastards have been slurping from two bowls, Ma’am, both yours and the Rat’s.’
The Queen’s gaze had become lethal. ‘If the Earl of Castor knoweth anything of this … yet, he may not. This enterprise mayhaps is conducted in secrecy even from him.’
The General snorted. ‘If that perfumed and greasy sack of lard has no interest in the profits of this trade, I am a newborn newt. Who better than he to harvest intelligence of our activities for the enemy?’
‘I will know the truth,’ said the Queen. ‘And if that Earl be dealing dirty with us, I’ll have him castrated!’
‘Nothing would be gained from that, Ma’am,’ said Buttons.
‘Indeed, nothing at all, Sir,’ agreed the Queen. ‘It would be an utterly fruitless act.’
‘Nor even to reveal to the Earl what we know, Ma’am,’ pursued Buttons. ‘Not, at least, until they have finished the dams.’
‘Buttons, dost thou advise we still accept the Earl’s proposal?’
‘And why not?’
‘Why not?’ exclaimed the General. ‘Because the beavers profit by prolonging this siege, on both sides!’
‘What say you, Madam?’ said Buttons. ‘We can have Castor in irons this very hour and press the truth from him as wine from the grape.’
The Queen reflected to herself. Finally she said, ‘This intelligence puts us in the dominant position whilst we keep it to ourselves. We have for our choosing various methods to exterminate the rodents, as we might choose among delicacies upon a platter. Why must we choose one sweetmeat only, leaving the rest unnibbled? A blow to the skull does not preclude a stab in the heart, nor these a stint on the rack, and all together more fulsomely take the life from the victim. I say we continue to harass the rats. We attack when our engines of war are in place and secured. We continue to blockade the city. We stop up the rat hole we have found and search whether there be others. But we must hatch a plan to do so deviously, plugging the holes by happenstance seemingly, so not to betray our suspicions to the beavers. What think you? Soriana? General?’
‘I ween it can be done by dint of some cunning, if it pleaseth Her Majesty,’ answered Buttons.
‘I’d rather flay them alive now,’ answered the General.
‘In good time, General,’ said the Queen, smiling. ‘Delay sharpens the appetite and improves flavour in both arts culinary and revenge. Very good, sirs, we accept the Earl’s proposal of building the dams higher for another winter with a view to inundating the city come spring. Rats starved, slain and drowned at sea are rats dead three times over and thrice to our satisfaction!’
‘The Queen hath spoken,’ said Buttons. ‘And her will is commandment to her loyal and loving servants.’ He bowed reverently. ‘O Katerina, sage amongst Queens, wisest of Sovereigns the world over.’
General Mittens and Buttons of Soriana then made reverence and took their humble leave, but, when Buttons pressed the Queen’s paw to his lips, she pricked his chin with her claw, which was a little signal betwixt them.
So autumn fell into winter. The cats continued their occupation on the shore of the shrinking lake, in the mountains the beavers toiled on the dams in preparation for the spring floods, and the rats, in their walled city, as yet gave no signal of surrender. Perplexing noises from the city, however, were heard by the cats, and sometimes the city was overhung by sooty smoke.
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